Jason DeVaney

There are moments I have in life when I wish that time travel was possible. I think that one of the worst feelings comes when you look at a moment that happened prior to the one you’re living in having to deal with the guilt of “I actually just did that. I stooped so low. I know I’m better than this… but am I really because this is what I did???”

I hate the thought that we can’t take back some of the things we’ve done. The purpose of a mistake is to gain or learn something. But what about when we choose to make the mistakes that we know are wrong? I feel like those are the mistakes that are born out of your own selfishness. In those times words become too small and apologies become too vain. This guilt weighs the most.

But we can’t take them back. Choose wisely friends because it sucks to hurt someone you care about. It sucks to hurt someone to the point of them never wanting to see you again. It sucks to be the person you never thought you’d be. You can rewind it all you want and relive it all you want in your head… But you’ll never be able to change what you did.

Think about who you are in your conflicts. Think about what you’re doing.

Having faith doesn’t mean you’re always gonna be happy. Sometimes you’ll be downright miserable. But when it becomes real you find yourself sticking with it. There is so much I don’t understand about grace. I feel guilty and stuck in my moral failures in life. I feel like my problems are things that I have been battling for years. At some point the vicious cycle is going to end right???? I’m not so sure any more. It seems like whenever I get to be my strongest in one area is when I start falling ever harder than I fell before.

But the thing that I don’t understand about grace is that God accepts me as I am. The guiltiness I feel when I sin isn’t based on fear of being cast into hell (mainly because Jesus saved and forgave my soul). It’s based on the fact that God, though he’s inanimate, has become very real to me beyond the way we see normal beings. Because I wholeheartedly believe this being exists, I feel like I’m letting him down when I do the things I do. Yet he gives the promise that his mercies are new every morning. I don’t know why.

Why can I just wake up and have a new day? Why am I free every time I ask for forgiveness? The guilt I bear this morning is not one out of wrongful understanding. The guilt I hold is based on the fact that there is one thing that I am doing wrong that I need to fix. Knowing that today is new, I accept the love lavished on me by him and I move on from what yesterday and all the days before were. Clean slate. One I don’t deserve. But one  that he wants me to have.

The past year has been a ride. I really feel like I’ve been finding myself and learning more about the man that God has called me to be. It seems like I’ve lost or mislead my thoughts on what faith is supposed to look like. I didn’t mean to do it. However, in my process of learning about faith, I’ve turned it into everything that I personally want. I managed to sift out all of things that became uncomfortable.

It started with the way I spoke… I started using rougher language. At first, I did it here and there. It eventually became practical to me. I was trying to convince myself that it was my way of looking more credible to people who didn’t know or understand concepts about God or faith. Plenty of christians are so judgmental on the topic that I figured I’d infiltrate or adopt this idea to be able to fill that void. I wanted to look real where other people didn’t. Problematically, adopting this habit took me further and further away from this initial desire. With avoiding the colorful explanation, the same thing can be said about the way I consumed alcohol. I claimed to be this person and tried to use faith as my crutch to doing these things. Though I tried to convince myself my intentions were still good, they really weren’t.

Maybe I’m getting too personal here… Maybe this is only for my benefit. But I want to make what I’m about to say known. Though I’m not going to stop being the person that everyone knows me to be I want to be better then I’ve been over the past year.

Lately, I’ve been reading through Matthew (and by lately I mean… today I’ve read 6 chapters). As I read through the story of Jesus’ life I got convicted.  Though Jesus himself hung out with prostitutes and tax collectors, we could debate whether or not he partook in the things they were doing (the grey colored issues like drinking though not getting drunk)… The thing that we couldn’t argue as well is the fact that he didn’t look the same as everyone else. Jesus wasn’t trying to be relevant… Jesus was just willing to love and it made a difference. He knew his scripture, so when the time came for him to face temptation, he could sustain and fight back with what truth was. He was humble. He was confident. He was prayerful.

Friends, by no means am I going to be perfect. I just want to try to live differently again. My focus is not being relevant to the culture, being a good person, or being a good christian. I want to be like Jesus and if any of those fall into place in the process then I’ll stick with them. I want to have the same cares, humility, love, respect, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, and self-control. I don’t see much changing about my personality that can be rough around the edges at times. However, I’ll make it my new years resolution to try harder to “seek first his kingdom and righteousness… not worrying about tomorrow, because tomorrow will worry about itself.” (Matt 6:33-34)

Lately, I’ve been having a lot of weird dreams. Most of them have been immensely negative. This is incredibly disheartening because I can’t control my mind at night. It’s hard because I’ve really been changing the way that I look at things to help my attitude reflect one that is not unhappy, downtrodden and pessimistic. I feel like my life has become one that I’m proud to be leading. I’m happy. Where is all of this negativeness coming from??? Not to mention… I have been getting regular headaches that put me in the worst mood.

Someone once said to me “You need to look at the areas in your life that you are most radical in what you do… when those things aren’t radical anymore, you have to look for the next thing that is more radical than the previous one.” Meaning as soon as I get to a place where I am comfortable, I need to take that next step to find the areas in life where I am going to be stretched again. Isn’t that how life goes… So now I need to challenge myself even further to hold myself to the same attitude despite feeling disgruntled in the morning. I never knew how much work it was to be positive. Ha. But honestly, like anything you practice in life, it becomes natural once you do it on a regular basis.

My thought: “Bring it on.” My favorite part of my life right now is the ability I’ve been given to figuratively hold up my middle finger to adversity (I by no means condone the act of doing so in the literal sense). I was finishing Hebrews this morning and this verse came up… I almost have it memorized being that it has been the cornerstone of how I should live my life for the past 5 months.

Hebrews 12:

Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father?

⁸ If you are not disciplined—and everyone undergoes discipline—then you are not legitimate, not true sons and daughters at all.

⁹ Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of spirits and live!

¹⁰ They disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness.

¹¹ No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

Merry Christmas friends!

Merry Christmas everyone! Tis the season where we either conform to the mass consumerism that this country thrives on, or to remember the reason to which we celebrate this Pagan tradition… Oops. That’s right. Pagan.

“In the early 18th century, scholars began proposing alternative explanations. Isaac Newtonargued that the date of Christmas was selected to correspond with the winter solstice,^[17] which the Romans called bruma and celebrated on December 25.^[32] In 1743, German Protestant Paul Ernst Jablonski argued Christmas was placed on December 25 to correspond with the Roman solar holiday Dies Natalis Solis Invicti and was therefore a “paganization” that debased the true church” – Wikipedia

What’s the point of this explanation? There isn’t one. I just think it’s important we all know where it all comes from. Am I against Christmas? No. As a matter of fact I think it’s awesome that the tradition has been passed down and changed into what we know it as today… Kinda of a slap in the fact of paganism that we use this tradition to celebrate the birth of our lord and messiah Jesus Christ of Nazareth.

Truthfully though, I always forget in the hustle of this season what it is truly about.  I am blessed to have found hope and love in Christ Jesus and he has changed my life. My family, my friends, are all wonderful and I’m thankful for them.

Merry Christmas friends.

Snow has always been interesting to me. Last winter I wrote a long blog denouncing the substance to be synonymous with purity. Though it was true for me at the time, I believe that things are substantially different in my life. I always find peace when I go for a quiet walk and think about the nature that surrounds me.

Tonight I lost myself gazing into the falling snow as I became mesmerized in the beauty of it all. Little fragments falling from the heavens, bouncing off of each other, while others dove to the ground like a falling star. It’s for whatever reason, I find unreasonable peace. In response to the blog I wrote last year, I don’t feel so frozen anymore. Though I still haven’t found what I’m looking for (not a U2 reference) I know that God does know what I’m looking for. I look to him for guidance.

Psalm 121

¹ I look up to the hills,
but where does my help come from?
² My help comes from the Lord,
who made heaven and earth.
 ³ He will not let you be defeated.
He who guards you never sleeps.
⁴ He who guards Israel
never rests or sleeps.
⁵ The Lord guards you.
The Lord is the shade that protects you from the sun.
⁶ The sun cannot hurt you during the day,
and the moon cannot hurt you at night.
⁷ The Lord will protect you from all dangers;
he will guard your life.
⁸ The Lord will guard you as you come and go,
both now and forever.

The night was cold but my heart was warm with wonder. My sweatshirt blockaded the chill of the night and sustained the heaviness in my chest. Autumn brings me to a happy calm. It reminds me that I have something to live for and a legacy to lead. In this season, I feel closest to God and find creative ways to fuel this union I have with him. I am a different, calmer person.

I can feel myself getting sick today. I’ve chosen to give a weekend to relaxing, watching movies, homework assignments and lots of spiced tea. In the spirit of being active, I decided to go to the mall before I spent the rest of my weekend as a vegetable. I usually avoid malls. They tend to remind me of the things I can’t have. I usually can’t afford much due to the fact that I have to fend for myself in this world, on a measly minimum wage job that I supply my services for full time. When you bottle all that up and add a full load of school, you have my life. I feel like there are tons of things that I want but I can’t have right now.

The mall was particularly empty on this Friday night. I guess I was surprised at seeing it in this particular state. Though, I’m not one to visit the mall much myself, I imagined that of all nights, Friday night, should be the busiest. People passed me exchanging conversation together and enjoying mutual company… Families of all sorts mother/son, mother/daughter, father/daughter, father/son all went about on the particular mission that brought them all there. I went to the food court and saw many of the couples sharing a plate, smiling and enjoying each other. Around every corner tonight, all I saw was joy, love and contentment. I could feel my left hand start to get warm as if I could grasp the emptiness. It was as if for a moment the emptiness it has always had was gone. As if, something was trying to tell me that the wait I’m facing is going to be well worth what is coming.

After pacing through the halls of this place going in and out of stores I decided to sit on a bench and think through everything. My life up until this month has seemed stuck. I can’t explain the progress that has become of me in the last few months. Honestly, I would have never chosen the road my life has taken me down. Everything leading up to now has seemed particularly hard for me. I lost my folks to Costa Rica. I lost my best friends to either their career or to their girlfriends, fiancés and wives. I lost my brothers to a school. This past year has been really lonely. I’ve somehow managed to survive and find contentment.

It seems I’ve been looking at all these things the wrong way. I’m not losing anything. It seems that if anything is true it’s this: These relationships have become stronger because of the fact that there is a mutual expectation between all of them that we can pick up where we left off when connection is re-established. I am so happy for all these people in my life that have been moving forward with everything that they do… but what does that mean for me in these gaps of barrenness? It means I need to move on. My friends and family have been an amazing example of what it means to take risks and move forward in the passions they have been given.

My risk is this: I’m moving to Ypsilanti next week, or the week after that. I have not decided yet. I’m moving in with some really cool guys. Where I will be living is a 7-10 minute drive from where I work and a 2 minute drive (or 10 minute walk) from where I go to school. There is another thing I wish to not discuss but need to acknowledge here in this space. I feel a strong pull on my heart to change something specific. There is something that I love that I need to cut out of my life because keeping this thing functioning has been holding me from what is best for me. I’ll make light of it as soon as all the obstacles are removed.

It seems like my life is headed in the right direction. All I want in life is a happy ending. But what I’m learning in life is that there is no ending. In fairytales, we’ve always seen that Aladin saves the princess, they get married and then the story is over (I might also add that he gained some financial stability). But I realized today that where the “happily ever after” came for Aladin, is the same place where my life is going to continue happening. There is no ending. It’s been made clear to me that I think a happy ending is achievable. But if it was, the actual route I’m going to end up taking is a lot better than the one way that I think is my only option to getting there. That the route I have been on, all of this work and pain has been for a reason.

As I gathered my thoughts I found hope and wonder in mystery of my life. We don’t all move at the same pace. I’m apparently moving slow and steady. I walked back to my car and I drove home feeling the freedom and excitement of being afloat in God’s vast ocean. Life.

“I know why I haven’t been inspired. I’ve got nothing to write about because I’m not. Change it.”

“I don’t know why I wonder why it’s so easy to stumble when I know that faith without deeds is dead.”

“Things will change.”

“I got over after seeing the way she lit up when he’s around her. I only hope I get a change to make someone feel the same way he makes her feel.”

Hi! This is me. My name is Jason. For a lot of the people my age we are in a season where we are taking steps towards some sort of progress. Whether that step is a transition into another school year, or finding a job that fits what is on our diploma, most of us are in motion. For me, I’m only two years away from graduating and I am starting at a new school this fall. I’m very excited.

This summer has been quite memorable. I’ve always thought that you had do extravagant things to create memories. I’m learning that my way of thinking has been very wrong. When summer started I didn’t know what to think. Over the past two years my hopes and dreams had become less of a priority for me. I had come to accept myself as a poor, mediocre man that thought pursuing his dreams was foolish. Life had gotten me to a place where I didn’t believe in myself anymore.

The summer of 2011 started in the winter of the same year as far as I’m concerned. I know that seems confusing… but I like to explain life using the weather as a metaphor for how I am feeling, rather than the temperature outside. Jack Kerouac once wrote “The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace things, but burn like fabulous roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars.” 

To make a long story short, winter was when I met someone who has become one of my best friends. The second time I ever spent time with this person they asked me about what my passion was and what I was doing to pursue it. I explained “I’m smarter than that. I have to make money… people who go after their dreams are foolish because they’ll always be broke…” They looked at me with an annoyed face and replied “You can consider me foolish. You’ll never live out any of your dreams because you’ve already decided that they’re impossible and until you choose to think the opposite they will be.”

It was an awkward thing to hear but it changed my life. Life somehow became more simple… It became less and less about the money and more and more about the people you choose to spend it with.

The rest of the summer, I didn’t really do anything. Haha. I know it seems weird… I chose to not spend as much money and to focus more on being with the people I loved. It was less about events… and more about communication.

I found that I wasn’t trying to fill the awkward silences with mindless chatter anymore.

I found that it was ok to say weird things and to be goofy and joyful.

I figured out how to be ok with who I am again. All because I was told I’d never accomplish my dreams. Haha. Oddly enough… I am pursuing my dreams again and I am excited. This metaphorical season of summer has become memorable not because of all the events I have experienced. If there is one thing I’ve learned this summer, it’s this… Memories have nothing to do with what you do… but everything to do with who you are experiencing them with.

In the same way that the shadow proves the sunshine, the falling leaves are merely a reflection of a greater coming beauty. As this physical season of summer may come to an end, I urge everyone to take a look at the people that surround them. Forget about where you should or could go and be where you are with those people in that moment. Life is what you make it. Choose wisely.

I’m sick of grey I want black and white, when I’m not sure I’ll pick what’s right, safe and sound or risk and regret hold captive what I can’t protect, all I want and hope to be, is something that you’d love to see,

but when this arises I feel like hiding, not proud, but sorrowfully colliding
with realms of darkness or so it seems, or the path down to which it leads
I clothe myself with much regret, I say I’m sorry with much respect,
I love and need you, so here we go, lets walk together the path I chose…

oh God, oh God, redefine…